Hello all! It’s been awhile since my last post. Clearly, a lot has happened over these last few months. And why wouldn’t it, my life is fabulous and interesting at all times! But I think the most important thing to know, if you didn’t already, is that I am pregnant with our second baby! YAY! Baby Numero Dos arrives in mid-May and we can’t wait to meet this little one. We don’t know yet if it’s a boy or girl, but we will know in mid-December and I’ll be sure to let ya’ll know.
Oh you guys, I knew I was pregnant before the pregnancy test because I already couldn’t button my pants and I got nauseous trying to eat an Auntie Ann’s pretzel. Auntie Ann’s ya’ll! That’s just NOT NORMAL!
Now that I am in the second trimester, I feel that I have more energy to do the things I want to do, like form complete sentences, not get nauseous smelling my shampoo, walk from the car and back without falling over from exhaustion; ya know, the fun stuff! But all of that is behind me now (a short week behind me, but who’s counting!?) and every day brings more and more exciting things, like seeing our baby on ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat, and feeling little flutters and kicks. It’s truly just so humbling and amazing that I get the privilege to co-create with God.
It’s not easy for me to have a great perspective when all I can eat is tator tots, but when I zoom out and look at the bigger picture it really is all worth it. I look at Isaac and I am utterly amazed at this little man that God has given us. Every hard night, every crying session (mine and his), every scare; is all totally worth it just to get the chance to know this precious little guy and I feel this same about this little life growing inside me.
Now that all that nice stuff is out of the way, I’m going to be honest. It’s been a real test and challenge to face the first trimester of pregnancy while taking care of Isaac. Like most toddlers, he is active, curious, and adventurous (i.e. he LOVES to play with electrical outlets, anything sharp, dirty shoes, toilet water (it was flushed, thankfully), finds a way to get through every child proof device known to man, climbs on anything and everything including me, and last but not least doesn’t listen to a bloomin’ thing I say). Keeping up with him when I wasn’t pregnant was a challenge, but add nausea and exhaustion into the mix and fuggetaboutit. On top of caring for Isaac, I also want to cook and clean, but haven’t felt like doing much of either for the last 3 months. Isaac has been my priority as the dingy ring of yuck has grown in my toilet bowl and the bananas that were thrown on the floor and then haphazardly cleaned up have left their sticky mark for longer than I care to admit. It’s been really difficult for me to resist the guilt of not being able (or willing, to be quite honest) to do all the things I want to do overtake me. I want to take Isaac to the park everyday and give him nutritious meals at every sitting, and make wonderful homemade meals for my family every night, and have a spotless house, and DO ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME!
But I can’t and I won’t even try.
As someone that has had the curse and the blessing of suffering with anxiety and depression since childhood, I have (finally!!) learned that my limits and boundaries are different than anyone else’s. I’ve discovered after years and years of pushing myself because of unrealistic expectations and the ugly comparison game, that if I don’t slow down, be honest with myself about how I feel, be diligent in giving myself what I need, and draw boundaries, I have to potential to walk myself right into the dark cloud that is depression and while I’m there meet up with my frenemy anxiety as well. By trying to be everything to everyone, I will end up being no one to nobody. You see, God created me…Katie Alicea…totally different from you or anyone else. I’m not created to be you and do what you do the way you do it. I am created to be me and do what I do. When I get lost looking all around me for who I am and what I’m supposed to be doing instead of looking inside me, I totally lose myself.
That’s just not a gamble I’m willing to take anymore.
If someone were to come over to my house and see my sticky banana floor and my unwashed hair, it is my honest wish and desire (one that I have yet to vocalize in fear that I would sound too needy) that they would not only not judge me, but that they would grab a mop and clean the floor and then play with Isaac while I take a nice long shower by myself. That’s community. That’s friendship. That’s servanthood at it’s finest.
That is Jesus.
So for all you parents out there that feel you aren’t doing enough, please be patient and kind to yourself. Your strength doesn’t come from something you muster up everyday. It comes from the Lord, the One that created you. He is the one that gives you all you need to parent and take care of your home and work and serve. Sometimes that means He gives you the strength to pull the covers over your head and go back to bed, and sometimes that means He gives you the strength to go grocery shopping, play at the park, make dinner, AND still have time for some kisses with your husband.
Let’s be easy on ourselves and each other. Let’s pick up mops for each other. Let’s learn to receive the help of one another.
You get a line, and I’ll get a pole and together we will do just fine.
Preggo and Proud